Texts With A Friend

Texts With a Friend

For context, this took place after we hung out one night with some other friends and I was being rather rude that night. I explain that it is from a weird mood that I was in for a while.

Me: But this weird mood I've been in the past few weeks mainly has to do with the fact that my whole life is changing and I will probably never see (at least not to the current extent) most of the people who are close to me. I also see a lot of hurt in friends I can't help and that gets to me. I also take myself so seriously to the point that I find being or interacting with others as a way of escaping myself which is why I act so goofy or childish many times, add that with my pent up frustration and that goofiness turned into assholery tonight, which is unprofessional and I apologize.

Friend: It's okay. I'm very impressed with what you just wrote.

Me: How so? I'm rather ashamed of it.

Friend: I'm impressed because you have the eye to identify what's going on. You have a clear understanding.

Me: Yes but what is knowledge worth when you don't have the discipline to act it out?

Friend: That may be true but the knowledge is not nonexistent. That is a huge head start.

Me: If praying and working on it for years is a huge head start. But I have been working so hard on myself and been very introspective and just started to see change and improvement when this all hits me. It's caused a huge restlessness in my heart and feels like the onset of depression, which is the feeling I've been fighting for a few years and have been without for maybe a month now, but it's back harder than ever now. The good news is I know it won't last long and even though I feel like I lost all of my hard work today, it's just a backtrack. Sorry if my mind is racing and tangential at the moment, it does that haha.

Friend: The best thought processes come from minds that race. What you are describing is very detailed and paints quite a picture.

Me: Well my mind does it constantly. That's why I say I love isolation because I get all my work done, my life organized, give me time to write, read scripture, and really progress. But at the same time I feel the need to connect with others and know it to be my purpose so I have made great strides with that, but then I get caught up in the emotional side with the loss or expected loss really and I don't know how to handle it or release it because I'm not emotional and don't show emotions. So instead of working on empathy, I was rude. At least now I know not to allow that but it happened so easily it's hard to catch really.

Friend: Hmm, I kind of figured it happens so easily because it might be an element of your humor. I have lived a majority of my life in isolation.

Me: Humor is derived from our mentality. That's why my humor is everywhere really, especially puns now, because my mind is in transition. It was dark and reverted back tonight, but I've been working on it. And yes, isolation can be quite good but we lose our true identity at a point and lose our purpose. I guess for you, you have to figure out what exactly that is though.

Friend: Isolation can be served as a time to identify a purpose.

Me: Which is what I mentioned, how I discovered mine through isolation and all the benefits it has given me, but there must be balance. Isolation allows for me to grow, fellowship allows for me to give so that others may grow.

Friend: That is a very beautiful way to put it.

Me: I've been doing a lot of thinking on the subject.

Friend: I can tell. I do my best to live by the golden rule. It's hard.

Me: You find your ways. For me it came with my purpose. I know you hate evangelism so I try not to sound preachy but that's what it comes down to for me.

Friend: I hate evangelism?

Me: I forget who we were talking with but you said how you hate it when people try to convert you or share their faith with you.

Friend: There is nothing wrong with sharing a faith. I just do not like it when people try to push their religion on others. When someone says "God bless you" to me, there is nothing wrong with that, in fact it is probably better than the average alternative.

Me: I guess I see that, but it becomes so tricky as to where you draw the line between those two. But as for me, I always try and look at it from the other's perspective. My Muslim friends share their faith with me because they believe I am destined for hell and they care enough about me to try and save me. My atheist friends believe that my entire belief system and everything I center my life around is a lie, they just want me to live in the truth. The list goes on. What I believe the true offense is, is the one who does not care enough to try and help the other. Tying back to apathy.

Friend: Emotions vs Logic. The great debate huh?

Me: Maybe so, but why can't they aline?

Friend: They do, it's called marriage lol.

Me: That's debatable haha.

Friend: But yes, what you say is correct. We will never advance as both individuals and as a community if we do not help each other.

Me: Which is why I mentioned the isolation vs fellowship idea and how I had that idea from my apathy vs empathy idea. It kills me to see that as a community we fail to see the true value of others and constantly put ourselves first, but it kills me much more when I realize that I am a part of the problem rather than the solution. My only inspiration to grow is twofold, to give as much of myself as I can to the God who gave Himself up for me to live, and to give as much of myself as I can to His children whom He did the same thing for. It's by realizing that I did nothing to deserve what I've been given that I've learned to give all that I have. And that's why I despise the lust I have/has for isolation. Because the isolationism is all about how I can grow. But the purpose of my growth is to give. I wish to hoard and glutton as others starve.

Friend: Hmm then wouldn't it make sense to spend time half and half?

Me: More or less, but you don't necessarily grow and give equally in equal amounts of time. It's all a balancing act really.