Social Darkness
Growing up, I was interested in art and poetry. But I suppressed it because it wasn't cool. I buried it in the recesses of my mind hoping that by never allowing it to see the light of day and by playing the part of what is considered cool I could eventually suffocate that part of me until it dies. I thought that you just had to fake it until you make it. I was trying to kill my individuality in order to be accepted by the popular mass. I was trying to kill my identity. Luckily this was a stage that I grew out of in high school, but I still lost a part of me in the process. The sad part of it is though that many haven't grown out of it. We all have our own ambitions, passions, desires, and aspirations that make us us. But these don't always fit the mold of whatever lifestyle we wish to emulate. Anything that isn't apart of that lifestyle isn't cool and if people knew that other part of you they would look down upon you for it. So you try to kill your uniqueness and interests. A suicide of passion and individuality. We are losing so much of ourselves to this pandemic, and for what? A false sense of acceptance? Knowing that the person they are accepting really isn't even you and the person accepting your persona is just another persona in and of themselves; they themselves aren't really accepting you. But we continue to play the part thinking that we are alone in this world. Thinking that no one goes through what we go through, do the things we do, think the things we think. Especially when our thoughts are so dark and haunting. Surely no one else thinks such horrible things as I. When the truth of the matter is that everyone has some truly messed up and disturbing thoughts. But we will never show that because we always have to present this perfect image of us to others when in reality we are far less than that. You ever check social media alone at night seeing everyone else out having a blast and you feel like you're missing something that everyone else has? I guarantee you that you have caused the same thought in other people. We want to show the best of ourselves and expect everyone else to forget that we have our imperfections. None of us really do though. But there's some unwritten social contract that we will ignore them and pretend like they actually don't exist. And it's gotten to the point where we are actually starting to trick ourselves into believing it as well. You think the serial killer, child pornographer, lying cheat, wrathful abuser, and greedy cynic aren't alive in everyone else? You're a fool. You think they're not alive in you? You're a fool in denial. I used to be in denial too. Even when I was truly a horrible person I considered myself good. In terms of story arcs, I considered myself the hero on a quest for redemption. That's not true though. I'm certainly no hero. No, I'm what happens when the villain goes on his own journey for redemption; and now I'm simply trying to live a life worthy of the redemption that I've been given. All the while hoping that my own story can progress another's in the right direction. So here's my story. The rest is up to you.
